Hello lovely ladies and gentlemen! Welcome back to my blog, and if this is your first time then welcome! If you stay involved in the blogging community on twitter, you would know that Sunday was the start of the #ILiveitIBlogit campaign. This campaign was a way to show diversity and bring people together. I am so grateful that John asked me to be a part of this amazing movement.
As honored as I was to take part in this, I have to say that I was quite scared. I have opened up a lot on this blog, but there are also a lot of things that I kept to myself because I wasn’t ready to open up my soul. I didn’t want the judgement of the people I knew. I still don’t know if I’m ready, to be honest, but I’m going to try to be as transparent as possibly can.
During High School
The journey to me starting a blog was a long one. Back in high school, I started a Tumblr, and at first I used it for personal posts, but if you guys know how Tumblr is, you would realize that it was more used for images, which is what I ended up using it for.
I always wanted to express myself on the internet, it felt like a safe space. A place where I can be myself without much judgement, at least at the time. You guys have no idea how many YouTube channels I started, before chickening out and never using it. You don’t know how many blogs I made for myself and never using them again.
Towards the end of my High School career, I started to have some issues. Some personal mental issues. I’ve probably hinted at this at least a dozen times on my blog. But I was always too nervous to outright say it. But here I am, baring my soul to you. Senior year of high school was pretty terrible. While everyone else was excited about Graduation, College, Prom, and Prom weekend, I was avoiding all of my friends and staying at home in the comforts of my bed.
After High School
By the end of that year, things did get better for me, but it didn’t last. I lasted one entire year without any major issues, and finally the year of 2013, everything took a turn for the worst. I had lost my best friend since the third grade, and the friend group that I was in at the time completely broke up. They said all these terrible things about me, and at the time it hurt so much. How could these people that I considered my friends say these awful things about me? It’s funny how vividly I remember the worst times of my life.
I spend the year completely isolated. I stayed away from social media. I only went to school, work and home. At the time I was basically a robot. Finally, at the beginning of that summer, I got out of my funk and was starting to enjoy life again. It was almost as if I never had issues in the first place.
Then it went back to getting worse again. It kept happening. While I was in one of my funks, I met this boy. We dated for a while. While we were dating, he tried to help me. He didn’t know what it felt like to have issues, and would get extremely frustrated. He would ignore me if I was feeling bad in his house. He would get angry if I couldn’t express how I was feeling. Well, eventually we broke up. I have to say it hurt a lot at the time. It made me feel even worse. The one person I always relied on with my issues, was no longer in my life. The person who promised to never leave, left. I have to say the end of this relationship was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.
Before we broke up, I had no reason to be feeling the way I felt, which was extremely frustrating. I was sad for no reason. I was extremely sensitive. I would cry for no reason. I would have panic attacks at random things. My anxiety was at an all time high. When I ended that relationship, I knew what I had to do. I finally got so bad that I went to see a professional. This doctor diagnosed me with Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. It was kind of relieving to know that there was a legitimate name for what I had. I had always figured that’s what I had, but never wanted to go to a doctor. I was scared of the truth. I was scared of officially having an issue. But, there it was.
While going to therapy, she recommended I do something that I always wanted to do that was going to make positive impact in my life and was going to keep me busy. Right away I knew the two things I wanted to do was make blog and a YouTube channel. I knew that I didn’t have enough courage at the time to make the channel, so I decided to start small and create a blog. It’s been the best decision of my life. I have made the most amazing friends, I have created a space where I can completely be myself, and most importantly, I can maybe make a difference in someone’s life.
Looking Back on That Relationship
While I was in the relationship I wore these rose colored glasses. I thought we were so perfect together. I thought that that was all I deserved. I was a broken person, so who could love me? I guess I settled. Looking back on it now, I wonder how I let myself be treated that way, and why did I think that relationship was so perfect?
My Life Now
It’s odd what your mind makes you believe. Looking at my life a year later, so much has changed. I still go to see a doctor once a month, but I have never been so happy in my entire life. Sure, I have some days that are still a little difficult, but it is nowhere close to how I was before. I am genuinely happy. I am confident. I know who I am. I have the most amazing people in my life, who I know like me for me.
I hope you got something from this, because it did take me a lot to write it. I think if helps one person, I am happy I wrote it. If anyone wants someone to talk to, I am here for you. I hope you guys have an amazing day, thank you for listening to my story. Sending you all positive vibes.