I am nowhere close to perfect. For some people, it doesn’t bother them. For me, it always has.
Growing up, I’ve always felt that I’d been so blessed to have the opportunities that I had. My parents were always working so hard in order to give me and my siblings everything we needed and more.
In return, I felt I should be the perfect daughter. This meant getting the best grades, behaving the way I was taught to behave, and most importantly, follow their rules.
When I was younger, all of these things were so much easier. Being perfect didn’t even cross my mind. A few years after I entered high school, it was much more difficult. I feel like this is something that changes as you get older. You start to realize how imperfect you really are.
You’re too messy. You’re not pretty enough. You’re too lazy. You don’t have the best grades. You’re a disappointment to your parents.
That’s when it gets to be too much to handle. Being a disappointment to your parents is one of the most terrible feelings to have. All my life, I just wanted my parents to be proud of me. In reality, all I did was keep letting them down.
The worst thing is, the more you let them down, the harder you try to improve. The harder you try, the more upset you when you let them down again. It’s an exhausting cycle, let me tell you.
My parents have instilled in me to always be the best version of myself I could be, but what if you’re still not happy with your best? No matter how much I strived to surpass my “best”, I still felt like I wasn’t good enough.
I wanted my parents to be proud. I wanted everyone to like me. I wanted to be perfect.
My own thoughts sent me into a downward spiral. I started having trouble sleeping, I starting distancing myself from those I cared about, and even worse? I was getting further and further away from my idea of perfect.
After high school, I started college, and still had the exact same mindset. It was destroying me. My grades were doing fine and I was hanging out with my friends on the weekends, but I just felt so disconnected from the world.
About a year ago, I literally said “Fuck it”. I don’t remember the exact moment it was when I decided that I wasn’t going to try and be perfect, but I’m so happy that I came to the realization.
I do still try to get good grades, but I don’t tear myself up if I don’t get a grade I want. I have an amazing group of friends, but I did let go of some friends that weren’t completely healthy. I do still try to please people, but not to the same extent as before. I still try to be the perfect daughter, and while it still eats me up inside when I don’t succeed, I know they are still proud of me.
I will never represent the textbook version of the word “Perfect”, but I’m slowly realizing that I am getting closer to who I actually want to be. I may not be perfect, but fuck it, I’m happy to say I don’t care as much anymore.
There are still some days where I struggle with it internally, but it’s nowhere as bad as it was a few years ago. I think it’s something that I’m almost always have a mental fight with, but I’m working on it. All I know is that I’m a happier person.
I hope you guys like getting to know a bit more about me. I hope you guys have an amazing day/night.