If you guys have been here since the beginning of my blog, you would know that my grandma has Alzheimer’s. I usually speak extremely lightly of it. I don’t really like making people feel uncomfortable about it when I bring it up. I mean what can they say, “I’m sorry her brain is basically destroying itself to the point of no return?”. A bit morbid, I know.
It’s crazy to think that the person who’s raised me and my siblings, who’s been there for every birthday, graduation, religious celebration, Christmas, Halloween, is no longer the person who did all those things with me.
It’s odd to think that the person who has had such an influence in my life, isn’t there anymore. When I talk to her, I don’t know how she’s going to act. There are some days that are way better than others, but at the end of the day, she is no longer the woman who spent her life trying to care for her family and giving them the best she can.
People don’t realize how hard it is to patiently have a conversation with someone who has Alzheimer’s. The amount of times you have to repeat yourself. The amount of times they repeat the same statements and questions. It makes you feel like a terrible person for not having the patience to deal with it for very long.
I do still try to take her out at least once a week, but it’s honestly not the same. She is but a shell of her former self.
The one thing she will never forget is the past. She might not remember what she was doing five minutes ago, but she will not forget how she used to take care of me.
It always breaks my heart when she feels neglected, even though we had went to see her just the day before. I hate when she says “you guys never come and see me”, even though I took her out to lunch about 5 days ago.
I can’t even begin to imagine how she feels. Does she always feel confused? Are there blank spaces in her memory or does she not even have a memory anymore? Does her brain try to fill in the blanks as to what is reality.
I really don’t know where this ramble is leading to. This is more of a tribute to her and this moment in all of our lives. She wasn’t perfect, but she was an amazing grandmother. She would always try to make us look our best in her eyes and fed us amazing dishes.
I probably don’t show her as much appreciation as I should, but I’m not the most affectionate of people. When I’m afraid of getting hurt, I just shut people out. Seeing the “person” she is now hurts. That’s the honest truth. I remember how she used to tell funny inappropriate jokes. I remember how she used to have an amazing taste in clothing. Her hair always looked immaculate. She was always ready to greet us with a kiss and a hug.
All I say to those of you reading, is to not take the people you love for granted. You are so blessed to be surrounded by people who love and care for you. Don’t forget to show them love and affection. Take the time to call them and see how they’re doing or even just shoot them a text. Take your mother, father, sister or brother out to lunch. Don’t forget to tell people you love them. You don’t know what the future holds. I sure didn’t.
Sending each and every one of you love and positivity.