I had something on my mind for the past few weeks. I went back and forth in my mind deciding whether I wanted to talk about something like this on my blog.
I finally decided that I should write it, and see if I like it or not. If you’re reading this, I guess it got published.
I have always suffered from self-esteem issues. It got worse as my mental health got worse. Now when I’m talking about self-esteem, I’m not particularly talking about how I look physically. While that affects me from time to time, I have come to terms with the way I look.
I’m talking about my self-worth. This is something I have seriously struggled with for at least the last 7-8 years. I have never considered myself good enough. It stems from trying to be perfect. The perfect sibling, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend. I realize that I will never be perfect. I actually wrote a post about it (shameless promotion here). Most of the time it doesn’t bother me.
Actually I already know I’m not the slightest bit close to perfect. In actuality I just don’t think I’m good enough. I am so blessed to have an amazing group of friends and super supportive family members. I feel like they are all the best group of people I can have in my life. It makes me feel bad, because I feel like I am sub par. Why do they want to be my friend? Do they just feel bad for me? Are they just sticking around because they feel forced to? Why would they deal with me when there are so many better people out there? Are they actually talking shit behind my back? The list of mental questions go on and on.
The bottom line is that I don’t feel worthy of being their friend. I feel like they could do so much better.
Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t something that I feel every single day. I used to feel this way all the time, but now I only think these things when I get to my lowest low.
It’s not even all my friends I feel this way towards. I have two friends, that I have known for about 10 years or more each, and for whatever reason these two girls, who have been my best friends for over a decade, are my exception. I never doubt our friendship. I have no idea why that is. They are actually usually right there next to me while I ugly cry about my doubts.
These ugly thoughts even make their way into my romantic relationships. You know that ex I always talk about? The terrible one? I even had doubts towards him! I would wonder why he was with me. I never felt worthy to be with someone like him. The funny thing is, looking back, was that he was lucky to have been with me. I have no idea why I would feel any other way. I was probably and will probably be the best he ever had. I am so proud of myself for being able to say that, no less actually believe it.
Right now I’m talking to this amazing boy, let’s call him K. When I’m having a bad mental health day, I wonder ‘what is he doing with a girl like me?’. Does he actually like me? Am I just a rebound to him while he finds someone better? Is he going to get tired of me? Again, the list goes on and on. I have no idea what made me like this. I wish I didn’t feel this way more often than I’d like to admit. The worst thing is he nor any of my friends have ever done anything to make me feel these doubts towards them. Its weird how the mind works. Don’t ask me why my mind doesn’t play tricks on me with certain people and does for others.
That’s the thing isn’t it? These thoughts aren’t the reality. Most of the time, when I am thinking rationally, these thoughts don’t even cross my mind. I know these people love and care about me. I know they value our friendship. I know they genuinely enjoy my company and like seeing me.
The mind’s incredible. Your brain can make you believe the most irrational thought in the world. That’s what mental illness does to you, well to me at least. It makes me believe irrational thoughts that make me feel like utter and complete shit. At that moment and time there is no if, and, or buts, it’s the truth. At that moment I am not good enough. I am not worthy. I genuinely believe it.
I never actually told him or most of my friends that I feel this way, so let’s hope they never read this! I’ve been working on myself. Working on my positivity. It helps sometimes. It works most of the time.
There are still some days where I feel terrible about myself, but I guess that’s life. I always wonder what it would be like to not have any mental issues. To not feel this way for no particular way.
I just wish people understood, I guess. I’m not being dramatic. I’m not exaggerating. I’m not writing this for pity or attention. This is how I feel. When I am in those funks, it is what my mind is telling me. It’s what you believe in that moment. It’s terrible.
I don’t know the point of me writing this. I guess, I want to reassure people that Mental Illness is real. That while my life looks fun, lavish, and even perfect to some, there is more to my life than the 10 minutes you watch my YouTube video, read my post, or look at my Snapchat stories. I want you to know that for those of you who suffer like me, you are not alone. You might feel that way. Your mind may make you believe it, but you are NOT alone. I, among all those who care for you, are there to help you along the way.
I’m going to apologize in advance if this doesn’t make sense. I really hope it does make sense. I hope it helps someone in some type of way.
As always, if you have any comments, questions, or concerns, leave a comment below. I hope you guys all have a wonderful day/night. Sending you all love and positive vibes. Stay happy, stay healthy.